I think I’ve decided I need a guidance counselor for my second career choice - that being a writer. It’s funny, you’re in high school and you start thinking about careers, no one ever talks about being an author. Or how terribly hard it is. Or how much self-discipline you need. It’s never on the list of choices for careers, is it?

When I was in junior high, I remember taking one of those career quiz things. You know, the ones where you answer the questions and it’s supposed to tell you what your strengths are and what job would be best suited for you. I remember how incredibly disappointed I was when mine came back and said I should be a CPA. I detest math. And not only that, I totally suck at it.

I think another problem for me is I never really figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up. (I still don’t know.) I did everything I possibly could. Piano lessons; violin lessons; dance lessons (ballet, jazz, tap, musical comedy, modern); concert band (saxophone); marching band; orchestra; newspaper staff; creative writing class; aerospace/aviation class (I was going to be first a pilot, then an astronaut–HA!). I drove my mother crazy until she finally said - pick two things and that’s it!  

I find myself doing the same thing with my writing. I want to write contemporary. No, fantasy. No, YA fantasy. No, time travel. No, historical. Oh, hell, I want to write them all! But I also find that there are only so many hours in the day. And I’m just not sure if I have the staying power, if that makes sense. I wonder if I’m truly self-motivated enough to make this happen. And I’m also wondering if this is something I truly want to do. I’m not sure anymore. I question it daily. I question it when I sit down and read the pages and pages I’ve written and I hear this little voice in the back of my head. You so suck. No one is going to want to read this drivel. You think you can get an agent? HA! Good luck. There’s nothing about your writing that’s high concept or can stand out from the rest. You’re fooling yourself if you think you can do this. You may as well give up now, while you’re still ahead.

Seriously. That’s what I hear. It’s inner demons, isn’t it? Demons that never want to shut up. They’re hard to overcome sometimes.

I’m not saying I’m quitting. I’m saying I’m re-evaluating (still). I’m trying to figure out what my next course of action is. After two rejections, I’m wondering what I should do next. I’m wondering if my writing is strong enough to make it to the next level (that being NY). So I’ve been thinking about what I should work on and submit next. I need a plan - I function much better if I have a plan. And I think that’s why I’ve had such a horrible time at writing.

I guess I’ll figure it out eventually.

I’m off to Flash class today and tomorrow. And it’s very cloudy and overcast today. We’re supposed to get more rain, which makes me (and the ground) happy! I’m very sore from this weekend and I’ve had some strange things going on - my chest hurt so bad last night it hurt to lay down. I’m going to chalk that up to bad indigestion.

Anyway…gotta get the kiddo up and get on the road to class. Happy Tuesday!