Here’s the thing. I’ve been shredding old documents for the last few days. They’re from the 1990s. I even had one bill that I paid in October 1990. I seriously made a straight face when I saw that one.
I don’t know why I’ve still got old bank statements and old bills. I’ve been trying to figure that out. The best I can come up with is I shoved it all in a box and forgot about it. And I’ve been moving it from home to home ever since. That’s over 20 years of dragging this shit around. WTF?
I find this task to be difficult. Not only is it a mountain of old documents that I have to dispose of properly…but it’s also painful reminders of what a total dumbass I was. I seriously don’t know how I survived these years. I had a car payment and rent. I had cable and a cell phone. My first one – which was through Southwestern Bell. That is so funny to me. I can’t believe I’ve had this phone THAT long. Anyway… a bill from TCI Cable for $70. The TU Electric bill for $115 (now it’s TXU). Old AmEx, Dillard’s and JCPenney bills. Old bank statements WITH all the canceled checks and of course I had duplicates so I have the lovely task of shredding all the checks TWICE.
But here’s the thing… going through all this stuff has dredged up memories I thought were long gone. I’m reminded of the loser boyfriend I had who was nothing but a mooch. I’m reminded of ALL the stupid ass things I spent money on because I had to have that skirt or that shirt or those shoes. Things I don’t even OWN anymore, folks. I look at all the itemization and think what a total utter loser I was. How in the hell did I manage to get out of my 20s alive? How did I manage to survive on $8/hour? Oh yeah. That’s another thing I found – a check stub from December 1995 with a YTD gross income of $21,000. Seriously!
If I could go back and tell my past self anything, it would be not to be such a co-dependent dumbass. Not to feel like I had to be WITH someone to make ME someone. To not allow myself to get sucked into the glamorous life of having a credit card to get things. They are just THINGS. And I don’t have those stupid things now. I don’t even know what’s happened to most of that shit that I bought on American Express or at Dillard’s. It’s just money I totally squandered away.
But then I think if I DID show up and talk to my past self, I’m pretty sure my past self wouldn’t listen to me. Just like I didn’t listen to my parents. What a schmuck.
Anyway. I’ll be glad when all this crap is shredded and gone. It’s not been a pleasant walk down memory lane that’s for sure.