Hanging in Limbo

I spent a good portion of yesterday in front of the computer. I’m participating in a week-long book bash at a friend’s site. I posted excerpts and commented on other’s work. Some were indie authors and I was really excited to get an ebook from a new-to-me author, Lacey Weatherford. It’s a YA paranormal. And my TBR pile is quickly growing!

I managed a total word count of 2676 for yesterday and Monday. Not great. And certainly not the 2k a day I’m shooting for. But I’ve discovered that this book is getting harder to write. The further I go into it, the more I realize what is truly happening in the story. So yesterday I went back and made some edits. I know, I should plot ahead. Then I wouldn’t have to go back and edit. Maybe someday I can do it but for now, I’m going to keep going with what works for me. I was distracted a lot with Facebook and Twitter, something I need to avoid like the plague while writing.

Then I met the Man for lunch downtown. We had a nice time at PF Chang’s and walked over to Starbucks afterward. I like this schedule that’s all my own. Even though I lament about the jobs I’m not getting or the calls I’m not getting on my resume, when I take a minute, step back, and evaluate how things are, I like the results. Not having to rush off to a day job every morning. Or rushing home to cook dinner.

Still, I feel like I’m in limbo. Not only with the job but with some other things. It’s a tough place to be. I try not to let it get to me, but it’s hard. And this whole job loss thing has been a blow to the self-esteem. I have really low self-confidence lately. Something I never expected though I should have expected it. People tell me the right job will come along. But what if it doesn’t? Am I seriously going to be happy sitting behind a desk making some executive’s travel arrangements? I doubt it. Should I be happy that, should I get a job, I have an income?

These are all the things that go through my head when I’m home. It’s no wonder I can’t focus entirely on the writing. I still have that “I need to find a job” idea in the back of my head. It taunts me. Distracts me. It’s just another form of the Doubt Demon but he says different things. You totally suck. There is no way anyone is going to call you on your resume. You don’t have enough experience in one area. You don’t have a degree. You’re over-qualified for most of the jobs you’re applying for. You’re under-qualified for the rest. What makes you think you’ll EVER get another job again? You loser.

Yeah. Not a pretty place to be. I’m doing the best I can with what I have to work with. And for now, I’m taking it one day at a time. It’s all I can do.

By Michelle

I wish you all could be inside my head. The conversation is sparkling.