Tired

These last few days have been relentless. And I mean with the house business. I have this odd little quirk – I hate uncertainty. Can’t stand it actually. I’m a creature of habit and I like to know and plan for things that are happening around the corner. When I do, it feels like my life is in order.

And really I’m not talking about the little things. You know, like daily life. I’m talking about the big things. House. Career. Money. That sort of thing. Because just when I think it’s all under control, I get blindsided with something else.

I have picked a house. It’s a nice three bedroom in the same area of town as the first one. I close on Friday. However, before I can even get to the closing, a structural engineer has to come out and look at the foundation to make sure it’s sound. I’m okay with that. It’s a 30 year old house after all. But because it’s Texas and the soil is unstable here and we have dry conditions, there is and always will be foundation movement with houses. Every house I’ve ever lived in has had some sort of crack in the wall and foundation movement.

It just frustrates me. Don’t get me wrong – I want to live in a house without excessive foundation movement. I really do. But I also cannot go through this aggravation again if this one somehow falls apart.

A friend asked me what I’d do if that happened. I very succinctly told her I would slash my wrists and get it over with. Of course, that’s extreme and I was joking but still… sometimes it’s enough to make you want to chew your own foot off.

Half my life is in boxes in storage. The other half is in boxes scattered across my tiny living room. I’d like to buy my appliances so I can ensure they’ll be delivered this weekend, but I can’t do that until I know what’s happening tomorrow with the structural engineer.

And as I think about all of this, all I can see are dollar signs. Major dollar signs flashing before my eyes. I know – it’s a house and there are start-up costs involved. But :censored:! Why was this so easy before and so difficult now? Because there was a man in my life that told me not to worry about it? Because I’m doing this all alone? I don’t know. All I do know is, it scares the bloody hell out of me.

I know in the end it’s going to be okay. But getting there is challenging to say the least. Sometimes I think I’m not strong enough and maybe I should rethink this whole house business. Other times I think I can persevere, push through the pain and anguish and just get there. It’s getting there that’s a battle especially for someone who hates uncertainty.

Anyway – enough of that business.

Ransom & Fortune has been final line edited and it’s off to the publisher for final formatting! WOOHOO! I’m so happy! I should be getting official artwork very soon. I sure hope so. I’m ready to see if they’re going to use what I had with Inara or not.

I’ve also readied a game plan for the next few projects I have in mind. First order of business is to finish Nice Girls Do. The next is to get Take Me I’m Yours underway and completed in the next few months. In the meantime, I’ve started a new book and am planning to target one of Kensington’s lines. Very excited about the prospect of this book as I think it has major potential. More on that at a later date though.

I have about three more scenes to write on NGD and then I’m done. Now I just need to carve out the time to get it done. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks, though moving is going to put a serious crimp in that.

Now all I need is the strength to get through the rest of September. I’m mentally, physcially, and emotionally exhausted though so finding that strenght is yet another challenge. I’ll get there though and I’ll be so happy when I do.